The Art of Saying “No” by Setting Healthy Boundaries: Do’s, Don’ts, Tips and Tricks for Prioritising Your Well-being
It‘s so easy to fall into the trap of saying “Yes” to every challenge, task, person and opportunity that comes our way. These things are indeed hard to say no to. However, a lack of boundaries can leave us feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin, and unable to give our best to what truly matters. In recognition of International Self-Care Awareness Day (July 24th), this blog post provides advice on setting healthy boundaries to help preserve your well-being.
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What are Healthy Boundaries?
Healthy boundaries are limits a person can set to dictate how they would like to be treated by others (and in some cases themselves). Overall, it’s a part of self-care that helps protect a person’s physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
Below are six common types.
Physical Boundaries
Protects a person’s physical space and body. Popular examples include setting limits on physical touch and your personal space.
Emotional Boundaries
Protects a person’s feelings. A popular example includes setting limits on your emotional involvement.
Time Boundaries
Protect a person’s schedule and are often connected to limits on a person’s energy. An example of this is limiting how much time you devote to others and yourself.
Mental Boundaries
Protect a person’s thoughts and ideas. One top example is avoiding useless conversations with persons or situations that don’t add value to your well-being.
Work Boundaries
Protects a person’s work-life balance. Similar to time and mental boundaries, typical examples include limits on working hours, breaks and work-related stress inducers.
Digital Boundaries
Protects a person’s online presence and privacy. It can also be associated with relationships. Popular examples include setting limits on screen time; for relationships, it can involve limits on what is shared online and to whom.
TIP #1
Don’t stop here with your research.
The literature on setting healthy boundaries and the art of saying no is vast. Hence, the list provided above is not hard and fast. Explore and tailor the list to suit your needs.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Boundaries are there to protect ‘YOU’; that’s the simple answer.
Understanding healthy boundaries is a crucial first step in the journey of saying yes to yourself. For that reason, there are many benefits of setting healthy boundaries. These include:
Comfort and Safety.
Feeling safe, respected and appreciated are advantages of implementing healthy boundaries.
More Control.
Boundaries help with life management (be that your time, energy and other resources).
Better and Stronger Relationships.
Boundaries attract and foster healthier relationships.
Lower Stress and Anxiety.
Boundaries that act as physical, emotional and mental blocks are stress-relievers. Notably, in work situations, it also improves productivity levels.
Higher Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem.
Controlling how you would like to be treated (by others and yourself) is empowering.
How Do You Know if You Need Boundaries And Where to Apply them?
In my opinion, everyone, to varying degrees, should consider setting healthy boundaries. We don’t live on an island by ourselves. We must deal with people, whether it’s work, travel or relationships.
DO #1
Answer this question.
Are you currently spending a great deal of your time and your mental, emotional and physical energy on activities that (to a large, unhealthy degree) benefit others at the cost of your well-being? If yes, then you need boundaries.
TRICK #1
Break it down into segments.
Ensure your answer captures all the facets of your life – health, wealth, work, relationships, etc. For the areas where you said yes, that is where you need boundaries.
How Do You Set Boundaries?
Step 1: Self-reflection
If you don’t know who you are or who you want to be, how will you know what you stand for?
DO# 2
Make clear your vision for yourself and the values you want to stand for.
A large part of setting boundaries is knowing your personal triggers and limits. Awareness starts with self-reflection. Who are you, or who do you want to be? Based on those answers, what core values would you have to uphold to be the person you would like to be?
DO# 3
Write a list of people/situations that negatively contribute to your well-being (leaving you drained, highly stressed, undervalued, and so on).
The second part of introspection is distinguishing persons/ things/ situations that are helping you (progressors) from those that are not (obstacles). Use DO #1 to identify and categorise who or what should go into the second bucket (obstacles).
TRICK #2
Honesty.
Being truthful to thyself is the best approach for assessing what is good and bad for you. What is your vision for yourself? What are your life goals? Are the persons around you helping or crippling you from achieving these goals? Answer honestly: are you being your authentic self or the person everyone else wants you to be?
Step 2: Identify solutions (a.k.a healthy boundaries)
Once the obstacles have been separated from the progressors (see DO #3) and you are clear on your vision and values, it’s time to identify specific solutions.
TRICK #3
Categorise the obstacles into boundary buckets (physical, emotional, time, mental, work, digital and any others you may find appropriate).
Classifying boundaries by type help tailor solutions to restrain, minimise or eliminate obstacles. For example, if a particular friend is known to make you overindulge, often resulting in you breaking your diet, limiting your time with that person or creating an environment that makes it difficult for you to derail when you are around this person are healthy boundaries. Hence, these solutions are examples of setting time-based and physical-based boundaries, respectively.
TIP #2
Ensure that your boundaries are clear, enforceable, and respectful of yourself and others.
Classifying limits by type help tailor solutions to restrain, minimise or eliminate obstacles.
Step 3: Create an implementation plan
Now that the proper foundation has been set, it’s time to craft an effective action plan. From your boundary bucket list, rank the items from those that need immediate attention to the ones that are not as critical. A Harvard Business Review article on “A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries” also provides a further distinction between boundaries that are ‘hard’ (non-negotiables) from those that are ‘soft’ (negotiables) that can be considered.
DON’T #1
Do not be afraid to ask for help.
In some cases implementing boundaries may require additional support. Seek assistance if needed, remember this is for your well-being.
Step 4: Communicate (Implement) your action plan
The success of your action plan is highly dependent on how effective you are at communicating your boundaries and upholding them. Be clear and direct about what you are willing to accept and what you are not.
DON’T #2
Do not beat around the bush or try to sugarcoat things.
Be brief, direct, authoritative and compassionate when communicating your boundaries.
Be Brief
In most cases, no one needs to know the complete back story behind your boundaries.
Be Firm
Communicating and enforcing boundaries is difficult, so expect resistance, hold your ground and be assertive.
Be Clear
Be clear on what you like of the other persons. In some cases, expressing consequences also aid in communicating boundaries.
Be Compassionate
Actively listen and respect the other person(s) involved. In some cases, offering alternatives or compromises are necessary.
Step 5: Check-in
Boundaries need to be consistently upheld and maintained. How often will depend on the person/s, relationship/s and settings. Note, people and situations may evolve, requiring adjustments.
Additional Do’s, Don’ts, Tips and Tricks on Mastering The Art of Saying No
DO #4
Ask for feedback.
Seeking advice from a trusted friend, partner, family member, professional or online source is also recommended. This may reveal areas that you may have overlooked.
DON’T #3
Do not waiver on your beliefs.
Compromise within certain bounds is healthy.
TIP #3
Create a detailed self-care routine.
Make sure and include practices that support boundary-setting (e.g., mindfulness and self-reflection).
TRICK #4
Prepare for resistance.
A difficult part of setting boundaries is confrontation. To help, it’s recommended that you mentally, emotionally and physically equip yourself for the task at hand.
Key Takeaways
The secret to setting healthy boundaries is simple, know who you are and what you stand for. I hope that this blog post leaves you in an informed position and empowers you to prioritise your well-being.
DO
identify who/what are the obstacles in your life so that you can set appropriate boundaries to safeguard your well-being
DON’T
negate your feelings, time and energy to accommodate persons/situations that negatively impact your well-being
TIP
routine self-check-ins are good for staying on track
TRICK
setting boundaries starts with self-awareness
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